A Very Special Hump Day
Hey there everybody. Lots of excitement going on over here in Kickassville. For instance, last night some friends and I went to the Oreos game, which was fan-freakin-tastic, despite the fact the Sawx blew the game. (Ghat damn I hate the Sawx sometimes.) In fact I have a whole post about last night’s game ready to go, including a recap of a wicked fun new game we made up to pass the time during the 2 hour rain delay. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but it’s probably the Greatest Rain Delay Game ever. You’ll just have to be patient.
Instead, today’s post will be a little different. I’m going to take a break from my regularly scheduled dumbassery, and blatantly violate Rule #1 of this blog. (Rule #1 is, of course: Nobody Cares About Your Feelings, Jon.)
You see, today is a very special day– it’s my wedding anniversary! Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Way to own a calendar in this economy, fatcat!” But it’s true. Today marks the anniversary of the best day of my life. So instead of boring fascinating you with the usual nuts and bolts of my everyday life, I figured I’d take a few minutes and talk about my lovely wife Angie. Hopefully it warms the cockles of your heart. The cockles of your cockles, even.
Most of you know Angie through this blog, or have at least heard me mention her before. (Although admittedly, whenever I mention Angie’s name, it’s usually immediately followed by the words “…covered her face in embarrassment.”) The thing is, I try to keep the details of my private life, well, private. Years of research have led me to the conclusion that the Interwebs exist solely for porn, fart jokes, and pictures of semi-literate cats. Nothing more, nothing less. But this is my blog, dammit, and I can do whatever I want. And today I want to get all sappy on your ass. (Metaphorically, of course.)
Here’s the thing: Behind every good man is a good woman. And Angie is a most certainly a great woman. She’s easily the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Just like how Martha Washington had big fat bowls waiting for her hubby George when he came home each night, Angie is the hypothetical bowl-packer in the crop fields of Kickass Empire. (Side note: paragraphs like this are probably why I wasn’t allowed to write my own marriage vows. Whatevs.)
You know how on those stupid reality TV dating shows, women are always saying that they want to find a man with a “good sense of humor”? Seriously, that’s always like the #1 Most Important Thing Ever, even if we all know what a total crock of shit it is. Usually “sense of humor” is just code for “good looks and/or deep pockets.” Well believe or not, I am living, breathing proof that sense of humor can in fact land you a smoking hot wife. Seriously! I mean, I bring absolutely nothing else to the table. Not one thing. And yet Angie still loves me, which is a big slice of fantastic.
Truth is, I am extremely lucky to be married to such a wonderful woman. I don’t say that nearly enough, especially not in this space. Maybe one day the scientific community will figure out why an amazing person like Angie would want to spend her time with a jackass like me (without the letters “GHB” involved.) But until that day comes, I’m just going to keep on enjoying the ride.
So Happy Anniversary, Angie. Thank you for putting up with my dumb ass all these years. I love you.
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It’s the little things like this, that make her love you even more.
Awww. That’s sweet. I’m gonna go barf now.
Kidding! Congrats you two!
I thought that second last sentence said “Thank you for putting your thumb up my ass all these years,” and I thought, “Wow, Angie really IS an exceptional woman.”
Turns out I just misread it. I mean maybe she does, but you never stated it. It doesn’t detract from her awesomeness if she doesn’t, though. Let me be clear about that.
Congratulations on being married and happy, and I hope she never finds those pictures of me I keep mailing you! (And you never find the pictures of me I mail her, also, but those are a bit tamer.)
Happy Anniversary! I hope it’s a great one.
I think more sappy anniversary and “I love you, please don’t be mad because I took a monster shit this morning and didn’t flush–SURPRISE!” posts should feature Dazed and Confused references.
My women isn’t behind me, she is out front leading and telling me to get my f-ing ass in gear.
Congrats on landing a keeper, because fishing metaphors are always in style on anniversary’s.
Awwwww. Happy anniversary, you crazy kids!
I’m guessing Angie’s attraction also has something to do with your “tile laying skills” and your “landscaping prowess”, if you know what I mean. Right? Wink wink, nudge, nudge?
You know, dummy. I meant how you did a great job on tiling your basement floor and landscaping the walkway in front of your house.
What the hell did you think I meant?
Happy Anniversary- may you have a lovely, drunken, groping evening that has nothing whatsoever to do with home maintenance.
After seeing pictures of yourself and Angie, I just assumed you were rich! Happy Anniversary!
I always thought Angie married you because you look like your twin brother. Haha, just kidding. You wish.
I knew Angie waaaay before you mentioned her on your blog. Happy Anniversary!
Whenever I read your blog I like to keep the ’slang dictionary’ handy. Today I’d like to thank you for enlightening my on the term ‘GHB’… I’m assuming you were referring to the definition of the ‘Date Rape’ drug and not the definition of ‘Get Home Bitch!’
Happy Anniversary to you two kids!
That was the most touching, keepin’-it-real, anniversary post ever! Happy anniversary!
Awwww. You’re so gay.