Suck it Mortgage Industry
Comments (2)As you probably know, it’s been a lifelong dream of mine to post as much of my personal information on the Internet as possible. So in an effort to further that cause, today I’d like to talk a little bit about my home mortgage. (We’ll go ahead and file this post under “at least it’s not sports.”)
Here’s some background information for you: I have a mortgage.
(All caught up? Good.)
I bought my house way back in Aught Five, and have been a raging homo….wner ever since. Those were simpler times in our Nation’s history: The Red Sox were the reigning World Series champs. The Patriots were the reigning Super Bowl champs. And Gwen Stefani was widely regarded as a “Hollaback Girl,” whatever the hell that means.
Oh yeah, and the housing market was booming. So like any True American, I went out and bought myself a shiny new house. At the time, it seemed like a wise investment. Now? Not so much, but whatever. I still enjoy the not-being-homeless aspects of homeownership. And my house is fully awesome. I own several leather-bound books, and the place smells of rich mahogany. In fact, I could probably charge admission if I wanted to, like the Smithsonian or something. (“The Museum of Shit that could have been a Retirement Fund” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?)
Fast forward to 2009. The economy has tanked. Housing prices have fallen. And interest rates have gone down faster than a $5 crack whore. Which is actually good news, because low interest rates make Baby Jesus happy, and because $5 is still a great deal, even in a recession.
So my trusty mortgage company, we’ll call them “Fells Wargo,” has been calling me all year trying to get me to refinance my mortgage. We have a great relationship, Fells Wargo and I. The way it works is thus: I pay my mortgage on time every month, and they return the favor by telemarketing the shit out of my house each and every Saturday morning at 8:00AM. That’s a win-win if I’ve ever heard one.
When I first en-mortgaged myself, I did so at a rate of 6.0% interest. I don’t know if that’s good or bad by 2005 standards, but that’s what it was. Well now rates have dropped into the low 5’s, and so refinancifation was on the table. With a vengeance.
So one fine Saturday morning back in August, I got a call asking, “Hey Jon, how would you like to lower your interest rate?”
That depends. Who the hell is this?
It’s Tells Bargo. Your home mortgage company.
Go on.
Have you ever considered refinancing your loan with us? It’s completely free, no closing costs or appraisals or anything.
Interesting. And this free refinance deal, how much does it cost exactly?
It’s free.
Hmm. I can probably swing that. Let me check with my accountant.
Long story, well, still kind of long (but also boring!), I ended up refinancing Kickass Manor at a new interest rate of 5.25%. Yay me! And Yay America!!
Then I went through the whole Closing process on the new loan. Everything was nice and easy: I signed a bunch of paperwork, got some things notarized, high-fived a bunch of people, and then stood in front of the mirror flexing while flashing the devil horns sign. Piece of cake.
According to Nells Pargo, the new loan would be officially processed on October 30th. Their instructions to me were as follows:
- Skip my November mortgage payment
- Begin payments on the new loan December 1st
- Put some damn pants on
So that’s exactly what I did.
Well today, Jells Spargo sent me this message:
Oh hey, guess what? We totally forgot to process your new loan last month. Our bad! Boy, are our faces red. Yep, we just plain forgot about it. So if you could go ahead and pay November’s mortgage as scheduled, we’ll just bump your new loan up to next month instead. Kthanks! Oh, and one more thing: Today is already the November 10th, so if you could go ahead and wire us the money, that would be great. Otherwise you’ll probably get stuck with some late fees.
Oh hell to the naw!! There is absolutely ZERO chance I’m wiring them the money. And I better not be charged any late fees. What the hell is wrong with these people? Does Jon Karp have to choke a bitch?
So I called them up and proceeded to layeth the smacketh down. And they made a note in their system that they’re a bunch of incompetent jackoffs, and that I will not be assessed any late fees ever, under any circumstances. Problem solved.
Then I went online and checked today’s current mortgage rates, and lo and behold, today’s rates are a little bit lower than the 5.25% that I locked into 60 days ago. It’s like 5.0% or so. So I called Bells Largo back and said “Hey, since you guys, you know, dropped the ball here and I have to start the whole Closing process all over again from scratch, hows about you let me get in on today’s lower interest rate? That seems fair, don’t you think?”
Here was their response, word-for-freaking word:
As it stands, Smells Cargo cannot lower the rate on your loan because we have already gone through an expense of extending your original rate lock past October. Again, you have my deepest apologies for this process not being completed last month.
Here I’ll translate that for you: “We screwed up and forgot to do our job last month, so we’re going to pass that added cost on to you, sucker.”
Oh I know! An unscrupulous mortgage broker? My mind is blown!
My temples are literally sizzling with incomprehension here. I mean, it’s one thing to tell me that I can’t lower my rate any further. That’s fine. But to say it’s because it cost them too much money last month to “not process my loan”, well that just reeks of shittiness. And possibly anti-Semitism.
Whatever. I don’t even care at this point. Besides, the joke is totally on them. I’m still not wearing any pants.
NaYoBloBloFoShoMo*
Comments (11)My buddy Chris has a regular feature on his blog, wherein he makes a list of his 10 favorite TV shows at any given time. And so this morning as I was reading his blog, I started thinking to myself, “Hey, I’ve been known to watch the ol’ televisual machine from time to time. And I can totally count to 10!!” So I decided I’d rip him off a little bit today, and steal his post idea. Excelsior!
There are plenty of shows out there that are probably pretty good, but which I’ve never seen. For example, I’ve never seen a single episode of: Lost, 24, House, Survivor, Gay’s Anatomy, Amazing Race, The Unit, NCIS, and pretty much any reality show that involves either “dancing” or “being a disgusting fatass.” Nothing wrong with those shows in theory, I’ve just never had any interest in them. (Yet for some strange reason, if you add the words “…of Love” to the end of any show title on VH1, I’m on board like a bus full of strippers. Apparently, the equation there is: Jon=Classy.)
So what I did is just pick 10 shows that I watch on the regular, and used the “TiVo Principle” to rank them. The TiVo Principle is something that I just made up 30 seconds ago, but it goes like this: Let’s say, hypothetically, you have every single show recorded on your DVR from the past week, but you only have time to watch one of them. Gun to your head, which show would you watch?
Here we go, Top 10 Shows of Right Now…
10. Man vs. Food – There are roughly eleventy hundred shows about food on TBC (The Basic Cable) these days, with hosts ranging anywhere from “kind of a douchebag” (Anthony Bourdain) all the way to “full blown douchebag” (Guy Fieri). But Adam Richman of M.vs.F. breaks that mold. He has a real blue-collar, everyman charisma about him. While other Foodie Hosts are off exploring foreign lands in search of the most exotic animal penises, Adam just wants to find the biggest, greasiest, cheesiest, bacon-covered-est junk food that the US of A has to offer. He eats purely for the fun of it. And honestly, every single episode ends with me getting on Travelocity.com, looking for plane tickets to Whereverthehell those awesome buffalo wings were. I must have them.
9. How I met your mother – This show is good for a couple solid laughs each episode. Ted annoys the hell out of me, but the other 4 cast members are pretty funny and/or hot. And I love the fact that the cast appeared on an episode of Family Guy to mock themselves. (Seriously, why does Ted grow up to be Bob Saget? He’s already an adult, isn’t he?) Regardless, funny show.
8. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Honestly, I’ve only seen like half a dozen episodes of this show, but it’s wicked funny. Not to mention extremely tasteless, offensive, and makes me feel like I need a shower after watching it. (Which, apparently, is par for the course in the Philthy Philthy.) I have a feeling once I watch more episodes, this show is getting bumped into the top 5. Also, Fuck the Yankees.
7. 30 for 30 –This is ESPN’s documentary series about random sports stories from the past 30 years. The first 5 episodes have all been excellent, especially last night’s one about Len Bias. I highly recommend this series to everyone, sports fans or otherwise. One more great thing about 30 for 30 is its timeslot: 8:00PM on Tuesday night. A.k.a. “The exact same time as Beverly Hills 90210.” You see, my lovely wife likes that 90210 show, and it’s a lock I’d be stuck watching it with her every week, if not for 30 for 30. And then I’d be all like, “why is Naomi still dating Liam, he’s such a jerk!” (or, you know, some other completely normal, manly comment. Errr… let’s move on.)
6. Community – I’ll be honest, I’m a Joel McHale fan. He’s just a funny dude, and I celebrate the man’s entire catalogue. And who knows, maybe this new show of his will take off, and they’ll need someone to replace him as host of The Soup. Maybe, I don’t know, someone who writes a stupid blog on these here innerwebs. That could happen, right? (Call me, E!)
5. Mad Men – Sunday’s a nice day to kick back and watch a good drama, don’t you think? But since everyone already likes Mad Men, there’s not a whole lot left for me to say about it. Other than: Damn I wish I could drink scotch at work.
4. Big Bang Theory – I don’t know why I like this show, but for some reason it cracks me the hell up. Seriously, every week I laugh out loud at least twice. I’m but a simple man, I guess. And as an added bonus, my buddy Jake once appeared as an extra on the show, as “guy sitting on train.” So there’s that.
3. Family Guy – Speaking of laughing out loud, this show brings the goods each and every week. Early episodes were (rightfully) criticized for having extremely lazy writing, what with all the flashbacks and all. But now we’re at the point where the show is so damn popular, they can get away with pretty much anything they want. So the writers just push the limits of good taste as far as they can. It’s almost like a game to Seth McFarlane, to see how offensive his show can get before someone notices. A game which we all win. (We’ll call that the South Park Corollary.)
2. 30 Rock – I read once that Tracy Morgan’s character is actually just an exaggerated version of how Martin Lawrence acts in real life. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but that’s pretty awesome if it is. Great show, always funny. For a brief period last season, 30 Rock had climbed into the #1 spot. But, don’t call it a comeback….
1. The Office – I’m worried that The Office has become overly-syndicated, kind of like Seinfeld reruns or the Caine/Hackman Theory. Seriously, I bet there’s an episode of The Office on right this very minute. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even watch the old episodes anymore because I’ve seen them all a hundred times already. But the good news is this season has been excellent so far. Lots of good storylines, and they’re really bringing the funny.
* National “Your Blog Blows, Fo’ Sho” Month.
Germ warfare
Today at work everybody is dressed up for Halloween. So I figured I should get into the holiday spirit today, and masquerade as a “Good Blogger” for once. Actually, make that a Sexy Good Blogger. Aww yeah.
You know, I used to love Halloween when I was a kid. Now? Eh. I could do without it. Don’t get me wrong, I love using candy to lure young children into my house as much as the next guy. Maybe even more than the next guy! (Wait no, just the regular amount.) But I’m just not feeling it this year for some reason. I guess once you grow up and realize that you can just buy your own Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups whenever you want, dressing up like a giant diaper-wearing spider seems kind of pointless.
In related news, I’m going to two Halloween parties this weekend. That’s right, two. One tonight, and another one tomorrow. And believe it or not, I actually have two different costumes! (Because I’m wicked good at spilling stuff on myself when I’m drinking.) I won’t ruin the surprise, but you can rest assured both costumes are extremely cheap and lazy. Basically it’s just stuff I had laying around the house, plus a few minor accessories. If things go well, maybe I’ll post some pictures next week. Or maybe I’ll just take a nap, one or the other.
Hey, I just had a great idea for a costume! If the party ends up being lame, I can just disappear for a few hours and pretend I’m “Daylight Savings Time”. Freakin’ genius, right? Feel free to steal that one.
So I’m sitting in my office right now, minding my own business. And out of nowhere, our office Secretary just came by and wiped down my doorknob with Purell. She’s like a Purell ninja or something. (At this point I’d like to welcome everyone that got here from a Google search for “Secretary wiping down my knob”. Perverts.)
She’s a nice lady and all, but she’s one of those people that are ALWAYS sick. Like every single week. Now of course everyone gets sick from time to time, even me. And I know we’re smack dab in the creamy chewy nougat-filled center of flu season. (Or as the media calls it: “OMG FLU SEASON WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!”) But even with imminent H1N1 flu-related death looming over us, Unsolicited Purell Ninjary is kind of overkill, don’t you think?
Things have gotten so bad with Secretary that last week we all pitched in and bought her something called a Germ Guardian Sanitizer Wand. (That’s a real product, btw, and not just a clever way to refer to your junk on Match.com.) Apparently, it’s supposed to keep her from getting sick. Will it work? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
Okay, that’s all I’ve got today. No NFL picks this week, because the Pats have a bye week, and who cares about the rest of your loser teams out there.
Happy Halloween everybody!
Milky, and I’m back
Filed under: Four Team Pool, Hey where are you going? Get back here... |
Comments (6) Remember like 2 months ago when I started my 4-Team Football Pool of Awesomeness? Remember that? And I said that I would totally write about it each and every week? You probably believed that, didn’t you? Well shame on you all, for believing anything you read on the innerwebs.
But I’m a changed man. From now on, I’m definitely going to write about my 4-Team Football Pool of Awesomeness on the regular. For realsies! And if you believe that, well then I have some penis-enlarging pills to sell you.
Anyhoodle, we’re nearing the halfway point of the NFL season. There have been some surprises (Cincy, Denver), some disappointments (Washington, Tennessee), and some restraining orders filed (Tom Brady, Tom Brady’s attorney.) Look, I love Tom Brady and all, but I gave him a plate of corn muffins back in 1993 to paint my chicken coop, and he never did it. Paint my chicken coop, Tom!!
Some recappery: We’re playing $1.00 per point. The pool of money collects over the course of the season, and is then divided amongst the participants* based on exponential factoring equations and the Quadratic Formula or something. Look, the math is a little fuzzy here. Let’s just pretend that there’s a team of wizards that conjures these figures each week using black magic. (And really, as long as my number stays in the black, that’s really all the magic I need.)
Some Guy, who you may know from Some Guy’s Blog, is currently in the lead with 15 wins, and $17 worth of (hypothetical) earnings. And, in what has been referred to as “The Least Surprising News Ever”, our girl Falwless is bringing up the rear with a (hypothetical) debt of $23. But there’s still a lot of football yet to be played, and these balances can disappear faster than Chris Brown’s street cred.
Here are the complete standings, through Week 7:
| 1. Some Guy | 15 pts. | $17 |
| 2. TEAM HAVE SOME | 14 pts. | $9 |
| 2. Mike Nice | 14 pts. | $9 |
| 2. You’re Wasting Your Time | 14 pts. | $9 |
| 5. The Day Walkers | 13 pts. | $1 |
| 6. Your Favorite Band Sucks | 12 pts. | $-7 |
| 7. Hey Mo | 11 pts. | $-15 |
| 8. Kibbles ‘n Vicks | 10 pts. | $-23 |
So that’s that. As always, thanks to my man Dean Bagofdonuts in the Silly Illy for running this thing. Be sure to check his websites out for all of your offshore gambling and/or condiment needs.
Back later in the week with a “real” post, and maybe even an NFL post on Friday. Try not to fall off the edge of your seat.
* Unless you’re the IRS, in which case: No it isn’t.
Find the segue
Today is Friday. Okay, so maybe that’s not really news to anyone. But last Friday I celebrated my impending weekendery by getting up at the ass crack of dawn and driving deep into the heart of Virginia for a conference. This week? Local, baby. Local. Any week in which I don’t have to set foot in foreign states automatically gets put in the Win column.
Speaking of Virginia, this cracks me the hell up:
Speaking of babies, you know how there’s this old myth that identical twins can, like, feel each others’ pain and stuff? I’m pretty sure that’s a load of crappy diapers, BUT here’s the thing: My brother just had a new baby recently, and he’s going through the whole “not getting any sleep” deal. And for some strange reason, I haven’t been sleeping very well this week either! Oh sure, you could blame all the “glue” that I allegedly “sniff” before bed each night, but I seriously doubt that will hold up in a court of law. I think the twin thing is far more plausible.
Speaking of feeling like crap, I think I’m getting old. No, it’s not my birthday or anything (still 92 shopping days left!), I just feel like I’ve just been beaten down by the weight of the world recently. My back hurts. My knees hurt. I’m crankier than usual. I’m even starting to get a couple of gray hairs. (Note to people that know me in real life: “A couple” is an extremely vague, relative term. Shut up.) The upside is, I’m really looking forward to getting those bushy old-people eyebrows. Those things are fantastic.
Speaking of gray hairs, this morning I found a gray NOSE hair. And it was wicked long, to the point where it was actually hanging out of my nostril. So first off, thanks to all my friends and family who let me walk around all week looking like that. Secondly, this was no ordinary nose hair. The thing was thick and coarse, like a piano wire made out of adamantium-fused carbon fiber. Seriously, I’m using it to hold up my computer monitor right now. And I nearly hit my head on my desk pulling the damn thing out. Good thing I’m All Man, otherwise I would have teared up for more than 5 seconds at all. That bitch hurt like a bitch though.
Speaking of crying like a big fat woman, did you know my good buddy Bagel writes a blog? It’s true, he does! You should check it out sometime, he’s pretty damn funny. It’s called “This is Turdland.” For those of you that don’t live in Bawl’mer, that’s a play on the Orioles’ “This is Birdland” marketing campaign, which you’ll find on more city buses than syphilis. (The Orioles don’t have their own website, unfortunately, because they can’t string three “W’s” together.)
[Note: I’m going to stop making that joke over and over just as soon as it stops being funny. Which, as far as I can tell, will be never.] Regardless, check out Bagel’s blog, yo. And then add him to the list of my friends that started blogging after (because of?) me, but now consistently out-quality the hell out my blog. And with fewer typos, no less.
Speaking of being repetitive, last night I mowed my lawn for the final time this year. I’ve had kind of a love-hate relationship with my lawn this season, on account of how brown and patchy and disrespectful it’s been. My lawn is officially on notice. If it doesn’t get its act together by next spring, I’m totally ripping it up and installing a go-kart track. Don’t think I won’t do it. My dog’s steaming brand of backyard justice is just the beginning.
Speaking of my pets, I think maybe I’ll clean out my fish tank this weekend. Some background: I used to have a huge silly money aquarium in my basement, prior to the Great Floodening of Aught 8. Then Jeebus rained down his watery vengeance upon my house and all its inhabitants, and the fish had to be relocated to a smaller, less awesome tank upstairs. (Ironic, really, that my fish were the most negatively affected by us having too much water in the house. But I digress.)
So anyway, I moved the fish into the fishy equivalent of Section 8 housing about 18 months ago, where I’ve proceeded to ignore the hell out of them ever since. Because they’re fish, and who cares. So I figure now’s as good a time as any to check in on the little buggers and give them some fresh water. Maybe even feed them. Who knows, maybe some of them are still alive! If so, I’ll go ahead and nominate myself for the Congressional Medal of Impossible. And really, let’s say some of my fish have survived without food or clean water for 18 months. At this point, they’ve probably mutated into some new species of super strong, super angry mutant fish. The excitement level just got turned up to 11 right there, didn’t it?
So those are my plans for the weekend: Clean my toxic, possibly angry-mutant-filled fish tank, and then watch the Pats game on Sunday. Maybe do some laundry if there’s time. I don’t know if I’ll be able to fit in it, what with all the “living the dream” and whatnot.
Beer for idiots
The other day I was hanging out with some friends, and we were all drinking responsibly. Because we’re responsible adults. You could even argue that we’re two, or even three times as responsible as normal adults, based solely on the sheer quantity of responsible drinking we did.
So anyway, my buddy Brian ordered a Coors Lite. Nothing wrong with that, in theory. I mean, maybe he just doesn’t like beer. None of my business. But his beer had one of those fancy-pants labels on it that changes colors as the beer gets cold. Observe:
This fancy “thermochromatic” technology has been around for decades. Back when I was just a young lad, my parents bought me a pair of “Freezy Freakies” gloves. Remember those things? They had pictures of robots and superheroes and stuff on them, which would “magically” appear when you went out in the cold. In hindsight, it’s pretty obvious my parents bought me those things to distract me from the fact that I had to walk like 8 miles to school every day in the cold New England winters. Uphill. During blizzard season. While eating popsicles.
[Note: My folks are actually coming to visit this weekend. Maybe I’ll crank up the A/C at Kickass Mansion, just to teach them a lesson. Where are your fancy robot gloves now, sucka?? ]
So anyway, the beer labels turn blue when they get cold. Whooptie-freakin-do. Here’s the thing: If you need a label to tell you whether or not your beer is cold, well, you’re an idiot.
Here, I’ve come up with an alternative method of determining your beer’s temperature. I even made a handy dandy flow chart, because work is kind of slow today:
Simple enough, right? But, since I’m a man of science, I thought I’d research this phenomenon more carefully. In this context, “careful research” means clicking on Coors’ website, and copying the first paragraph I found. Here’s a quote from Paul Mendieta, Coorssessses’ Marketing Director of something-or-other:
“Our research shows that Hispanic consumers will go to many lengths to get the coldest beer possible, an insight incorporated into a new TV commercial introducing this product innovation. The label on Coors Light and Coors bottles features mountains in a Thermochromatic ink that turn blue when the beer has been chilled to the perfect temperature of about 42 degrees Fahrenheit or lower for ice cold refreshment.”
Allow me to distill this information for you, cold-filtered style: Coors Brewing Company just called you a greasy Mexican Hispanic people stupid. (I had no idea that Coors Lite was brewed in a seething cauldron of hatred, did you? Damn racist beer company.)
I mean, let’s say you’re Hispanic. And you’re, I don’t know, mowing my lawn or something. (Hypothetically, of course.) Are you really going to go to “many lengths” to get a cold beer?? Or are you going to stop and take a quick siesta under a tree, next to your pet donkey? I think we all know the answer to that.
Florida
Ghat dammit Red Sox.
*sigh*
Still a good season for the Olde Towne Teame. And I suppose I don’t have much to complain about, especially here in “The Land of 200 Losses.”
Hey, did you ever notice that Jonathan Papelbon kind of looks like Syndrome from The Incredibles?
That’s really all I have to say about that.
(Besides… it’s now officially Patriots’ season! Giddyup.)
Soxtoberfest
Scientific Experiment #1061B has officially ended, and the results are conclusive: This blog will not update itself. Dammit. Technology continues to disappoint me. But since I’ve spent the past few weeks mired in a swampy bog of fail, I now have lots of stuff saved up to talk about. A virtual stockpile of miscellany. See? I’m always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter who builds stairs.
Oh, and I promise not to talk about sports at all today, even though the Sox are in the playoffs. I’m not even going to bring it up. I certainly won’t mention that Game 1 is tonight. You definitely won’t hear a peep about that from me.
Besides, you know what else is on TV tonight? The Office. That’s a good show, right? And tonight’s the big Jim & Pam wedding. How exciting! I like Jim and Pam. If I could speak metaphorically for a second, Jim reminds me of a certain Hub-area sports team. Talented, likeable, charismatic, the whole nine yards. Metaphorically. And Pam, well, she’s a pretty cute chick, don’t you think? You could even say she’s an Angel. She’s definitely got that whole “L.A.” quality about her. So tonight’s a big night for Jim and Pam, because Jim’s been waiting a long time to put his bat to work, and give Pam a good working over. If you know what I mean. I predict their marriage goes 5 games.
I know, I know. Nobody cares about television.
Today’s also a big day here in Bawl’mer. It’s the start of Baltimore Beer Week! Woo-hoo!! Here’s a link to the BBW website, in case you’re interested. Oh, and if I may offer a bit of friendly advice: DO NOT under any circumstances look for information about Baltimore Beer Week on Craigslist. I went to Craigslist this morning and typed in “BBW”, and well, let’s just say it wasn’t what I was looking for. But in the Silver Lining Department, I need a beer now more than ever, so I guess there’s that.
I do love me some October. It’s one of the best months of the year, thanks in no small part to Octoberfest. You know, I’ve never understood why there’s an Octoberfest, but no “Februaryfest” or “Julyfest.” (Note to self: Start Februaryfest.) Regardless, Octoberfest is awesome. Giddyup.
A few years ago I went to the Maryland Brewers Octoberfest here at the scenic Timonium Fairgrounds Hon, and honestly, it was an unmitigated disaster. Just an epic failure on the part of Whoeverthehell Plansthesethings. But, I may be willing to give it another chance. MAYBE. Because that’s the kind of guy I am. I’m a giver. Also, because they’ll have beer there.
But Jon! If you go to Octoberfest this weekend, who will sit on your couch for you? Won’t somebody please think of the couches??
That’s a good point. I could probably just get drunk celebrate German culture at home. I have the necessary tools to do exactly that.
I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.
Week 4 H.T.P.
Man, it’s been a tough couple of weeks here at Kickass Central. But whatever. No one wants to hear about the nuts and bolts of my day-to-day life, riveting as they might be. If I know my audience—and I think I do—you guys are here solely for the sports talk. So without further ado (or really any ado for that matter), on to the Home Team Preview.
Let’s start with the Biggest Game in the History of Ever (Week 4 edition): Team America (-2) vs. Team I’llneverheartheendofitiftheRavenswin.
I’m actually excited about this game. The Ravens are 2 point dogs in this one. Typically the home team gets 3 just for playing at home, so what the odds-makers are telling us is that on neutral ground, the Ravens would be favored by about 1 point. (Or, in Layman’s terms: “we have no freakin idea which team is better.”) Which sounds about right.
The Ravens have looked really good so far this season. But it’s important to note how laughably easy their schedule has been. The combined record of the three teams they’ve beat is 2-7. In fact, we’re 4 weeks into the season already, and two of those three teams are still having QB issues. But that’s not the Ravens’ fault. They don’t make the schedules. They beat the teams they were supposed to beat, and did so pretty convincingly.
The Pats, on the other hand, have not looked very sharp so far this season. Which means one of two things: either they’re just not that good, OR they’re still shaking off some rust, and will return to form soon. I guess only time will tell. Their best game of the season was last week against a decent Falcons team, which is encouraging.
This week’s game will be a huge test for both teams. I’m expecting a close game here, which means the fans should be a major factor. The old “twelfth man” if you will. So let’s take a look at this matchup from the Fan angle, shall we?
Last month, Deadspin described Ravens fans as: “camo-clad retarded Maryland rednecks, consisting solely of dudes who sold you your Christmas tree.” And judging from this picture, well, it’s tough to argue:
But maybe Ravens’ fans are actually smarter than we give them credit for. Maybe they’re like the Sand People of Tatooine, and the camouflage hides their true numbers. I mean, look at that picture again. It’s nearly impossible to tell where one douchebag ends and another douchebag begins. Genius!
Now obviously, I’m a diehard Patriots fan. But it wouldn’t really be fair and objective to use myself as the “typical” Pats fan, at least not in this example. So how about this guy instead:
Prediction: Patriots.
Now rumor has it, there’s still another NFL franchise here in the Baltimore Washington area. The Reds maybe? Red Something? I don’t know. But whoever they are, they’re favored by 7 points over Tampa Bay. 7 points!!! That seems a touch optimistic, but the Redskins are world-renowned for their cautious optimism.
But, I’m going to go ahead and pick the Skins anyway this week, for two reasons. First, because I truly believe they’re destined to alternate Wins and Losses every week for the entire season. And second, because Danny-boy Snyder likes to sue people for no legitimate reason.
(Okay, fine. I guess “in theory” Snyder has a legitimate legal basis for suing his fans. But does that make it any less retarded? I mean, that’s like accidentally crapping yourself on a bus, then telling everyone it’s okay because you “meant to do it”. Nobody cares why you did it, Shitty Pants.)
Prediction: Redskins.
